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My hair looks like shit...

Oh hai,
this week has well...I've pretty much done sweet fuck all. I have a load of coursework in for next monday that really really needs doing, but frankly i really can't be arsed. It can wait.

Its new years eve tomorrow *rave* :D
I plan on getting incredibly pissed and making a tit of myself *grin*.
Jake, the silly man, has spent all his money on a new amp *sigh* so looks like i'm going to have to buy him some drinks. We're just going to see my uncle's band play at the pub on new years eve but it should be alright. I tried convincing my mum to have a 'small gathering' but she declined.

Right now I have stolen Jake's laptop whilst he plays guitar, no change there really :P

hope everyone has a good new years!




Break up letter.

Sup bitches.
To fill you in right now, so you're not like "WTF?!" my ex boyfriend (of whom i still love) basically wants me back and i want him back, but unfortunatly there is a dilemma; I am not single.
Right, so my current boyfriend's name is Josh. He is a sweety and frankly has given a bit up to be with me. I went out with him in like september or something, then we broke up and we started going out again about a week a go. Now, i know its horrible on him for me to be doing this but tbh i've had enough of doing things for other people and always putting myself second....so they can fuck off!

So basically i have no testicles so i can't break up with josh face to face, cos i'd end up just word vomiting all over him and then running off. So, i've decided to write him a letter, nicer than MSN, not as nice as face to face.

i just need to know if this sounds ok... or if i sound like a twat:

Dear Josh,

I couldn't do this in person because I know I'd end up crying or something and frankly I have no balls to do this in person, understand that.

I know that you are a kind and beautiful person who is willing to give 100% to this relationship, but I can't, and I don't think I ever will. You are a perfect guy, Josh, you really really are. You're sweet and romantic, a perfect boyfriend in anyone's eyes...just not in my eyes.

I am so sorry it has took me this long to realise, I feel I have really fucked your life up with Charlotte. You two could of been great together before I stepped in, thinking I was doing the best thing. I know now that I wasn't.

Truth is, Josh, I have never got over my last boyfriend, Jake. By being with such a great guy like you I thought I would be able to forget him and move on and be happy, but iI know now that without Jake I can't be happy.

I feel so selfish doing this but I know that if I carry this on I will end up resenting you because I wouldn't be in this relationship for us, I'd be in it for you. I just don't want to be in a relationship that is just to keep one person happy and the other person wanting someone else, but too scared to say anything, just to keep the peace.

I've had enough of doing stuff for other people. I need to do this for me, for a change.

*drag of cigarette*

I hope we can still by friends but I understand if we can't.
I'm sorry and I hope you find your perfect girl.


P.S - I hope you understand. Honestly, I don't really understand what my head is on about but I know what my heart is saying.
P.S.S - This has got nothing to do with you giving me a cold, don't be paranoid.

Do i sound like a prick?

xoxo <3


alteast.....there i no poop....


hello there.
now, you may think the subject of this post is a little silly.....but to me and sarah it is rather funny.

I went to rather nice party on friday. I got rather drunk pissed.

Boy wee'd.
no, not on me.
In my best mate's bed.
he did wee.
it was funny.

but shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *fingers on lips* (nearly wrote fingers on tits) don't tell anyone...cos she will go sick.
cos i think she fancies him.
i also think my mum has broken my "S" key.......bastard.



Major Obsession

Hey :)
Thanks to my Sister, Sarah-Jane, I am now completly obsessed with Dollhouse.
I have to say...it is full of win! <3
Oh my god, Topher is a God! I totally just want to give him a big hug. He is amazing.
"You haven't seen my draw of inapropriate starches!?"
hahaha <3 love it.

I am also obsessed with the 4400. This is again thanks to Sarah. She currupts me with her nerdyness, haha.
I blame her for my taste of telly/movie....everything haha.

Anyway yeah, she is making me do the pots now so I'll update soon.



My weekend of WIN <3

Well Ahoy hoy :)
Finally I'm in year 11. Thank piss. Last year of high school!! yay! It is alot fucking harder then I expected to be honest but I'll get by, somehow...
Anyway, my weekend has been amazing. Friday was a bit pants really but saturday was just made of win. Went to Heywood with my bez Embem. We went to our mate Heather's Party, it was very ...drunken.
Heres how the night went for me:
Getting there. (good start.)
sitting down, starting my bottle of wine.
going out for a cigarette.
watching some fucked up cartoon
talking to Ramo
watching loony tunes with Layton
Josh getting punched by Embem
starting to walk home
bus stop
falling off the bus stop seat...crawling under the bus stop seat..
bus coming, getting on the bus
...big big blank.
getting off the bus
suddenly home?
sarah putting me in bed after i demand doritos and orange juice :)

So yeah....from what i can remember great night :)
hahaha...I'm a wreck head :')


Started good, ended horribly.

Today I had to do some filming for me media, nothing too hard. Me and my "actors" (Em, Ryan, Gayke and Jake) all went to Foxdenton Park to film some cute shots and some funny shots. Hell, to be honest it was a proper laugh, I had a great day. Jake was being so cute =] I loved it.
Heres where it gets bad.

I was supposed to be going to my sisters at 3pm, but I didn't stop filming, as such, till 6pm. I rang Graham, asking him to take me. He was on the motorway and he said he'd ring me back when he got off. Fair enough. I waited over half an hour, still no phone call. I rang again asking if he would. He wouldn't. He said him and my sister are on bad turns and he doesn't really want to do anything to help her. I said it wasn't really helping her its helping me. He said it was helping her and that he wasn't doing it. I told him he was being stupid and an arsehole and hung up.
I then burst into tears.
I then cried all over my Jake. He is so understanding. He looks after me so well. I love him so much <3
So, I rang my mum in tears, and she told me to get a taxi home and we will sort it from there.
I got home. She was pissed. Oh joy.
She'd rang my dad, he couldn't do it. She'd rang my grandad, he couldn't do it.
She was about to pay for a taxi. She gave me the money and everything. Then, she had this massive go at me, saying I should take the consequences of my own fuck ups and told me to fuck off. By this point all my make up was down my cheeks. I stormed upstairs, not being able to breath from crying and rang Sarah. She told me she would pay for a taxi and told me to calm down and get my stuff together.
I got here but my sister is about £25 out of pocket because of it. I feel horrible.

I know I fucked up. I didn't mean for it to get like that and I know its all my fault. I just wish people would understand that and atleast help me instead of just being complete cunt-bags and yelling at me. I feel so bad. People judge me and take what I say the wrong way and it pisses me off so much I could scream. I hate arguing, i hate heated confrontation, it justs upsets me and I don't see the point in it.
I want to thank my sister, Sarah for caring for me and making sure I got here safe. Love you <3
I want to thank my gorgeous boyfriend for looking after me and making sure I was ok. I love you so much <3 xo
And I want to thank my dad. But save that story for another day. I love you dad.

xoxo <3


Why do men always fuck with my head?
I didn't go to school today because I feel like shit.
Jake is such a selfish bastard. I wanted to go filming after school for my Media work and he just said "I'm not trecking home, to get my guitar,and to be twatted with snowballs just for some stupid music video." I said I'd pay for a taxi back from mine to his as a thank you (£5) and he said "No, I refuse to go all the way to mine then all the way to yours. Its stupid." So I told him I'd go with him, still no. Fucksake.

I'd do it for him, why can't he for me? I walk to his nearly every weekend. I mean, if he can't do this one thing for me, one little thing, is he worth keeping? I love him so much but I'm so confused.
He sent me a text at like 8 am saying "I would do it but we are in school today. Its not like I didn't want to do it because I don't love you, its just I didn't walk around in the snow with a guitar. I love you so so so much, I really do."

So, basically that means he cares more for some stupid bit of wood then me. Great.
Whats the point in being with him if I know he will put his guitars and his music before me?
There isn't.
I need to talk to him, properly.

I only wanted him to be in the video because the video is supposed to reflect aspects of myself. I wanted him to be sat in the snow in a graveyard. I wanted Embem to be lay in her room with the sun on her face and I wanted Gayke to be sat on urbis in the rain, all off them playing guitar. The three people that mean the most to me.
I wanted him in the snow and in a graveyard to show his cold, dark personality, but also to contrast it with the feelings I have for him. I love him.
Embem in her room and in the Sun because she can always brighten up a room and I love her bedroom lol, its mint!
Gayke in the rain and on urbis because he is like rain, you can love him at some points, and hate him at others. He can be refreshing but depressing. I wanted him on urbis because he loves going to manchester and hanging around.
It also shows the song can relate to different people in different ways.

The video is to Jeff Buckley's Hallelugiah. The best cover of it in the world. Sarah, if you have time this week, help me? Thanks.

xoxo <3


I am quite annoyed.
Men are so fucking hard to deal with.
Yesturday me and Jake had a beast argument because he was in a major shitty mood and basically blanked me all day. He just stood there, not even looking at me, just stood there. I was so pissed off, i hadn't done anything and I was just really upset that just cos he is in a bad mood he thinks he can just ignore me. Its not on. fucking men.
We are ok now but it still doesn't give him an exuse to treat me like shite.
Anyway, i finally got my bloody birthday present off Embem, it was a manga drawing book! Yay!
I had a go last night and i drew a pirate. it was pretty good actually, quite proud of myself.

I had a sweaty mock Cultural Studies exam today, which i just totally took the piss out of. Most of the questions i just wrote "LOLOLOL" all over. it was funny.

So yeah, thats about it. Oh, HOORAY FOR BARACK TODAY! He is officially the president!

xoxo <33


Fucking Sky.

Hey xx

Right, I've been waiting for fucking Sky to bring my stupid internet thingy so i can go on the tinternet right, they said 5 days. its been like...a week. Fucking twats. All i want is my internets =[

I'm fully tired. I've not had a proper decent night sleep in like 2 days. School has been fat. Hardly done anything over two days and i really need to do my stupid fucking coursework but i really cannot be arsed.

Jake aparently has been depressed for ages and now has been put on happy pills. Joy. I wish he would fucking talk to me more so maybe i would know whats going on in his fucking head!!! ARGGH.

Right. Rant over.

xoxo <333


3 months later...


3 months later well alot has happend. My grandad died so that was a bit of a shock to the whole of my family. My Jake and my friends helped me threw it though. I was a proper wreck. My best mate Emily broke up with her boyfriend Ryan which was pretty gay. They just argued alot and gradually grew apart. We all saw it coming to be honest.

Christmas didn't feel like christmas this year, at all. It just felt like a very fat and drunken day. I think its cos I'm used to my grandma and grandad being there and this year they both wern't and I wasn't nice =[.
All christmas I just wanted it to be boxing day. Boxing day was good because Sarah and Aaron came round and it was fun. We had a second christmas dinner, because we all are very fat, and then drank alot of wine. after they went I finished off two bottles of bucks fizz, the rest of the jack daniels and the rest of the bailey's. I was fully wankered.

Today I have been with jake =] I love jake so much but he whines too much. he needs a good slap. We went to his uncle's wedding reception in early december. It was a very self concious night. I sat there and just kept myself to myself. Smiling for random pictures like this one:

Fake smiles for the win..

So yeah, thats been the last three months.

xoxo <3